doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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