He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize