you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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