Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
