Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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