He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
