You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
