90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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