my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
