I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
