Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
