happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Houston, we have a blender
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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