i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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