I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
