The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
