i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize