you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize