New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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