You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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