I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
