i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We're too hungover to prance.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
