Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
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