She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
