When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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