Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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