When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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