Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
