My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I am one with the molecules
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
