It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
