God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
