I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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