I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
