we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
