omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
