I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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