Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
