i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
last night I used snow as a chaser
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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