I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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