listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
