She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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