Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
