I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just invented taco cereal.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
