whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize