We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize