im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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