My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
