I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize