burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Terrible idea I love it
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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