I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
