margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
