He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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