Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
