I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
